


To the End

by lervinsmiss



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 1920's AU, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 08:04:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11665005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lervinsmiss/pseuds/lervinsmiss
Summary: "What will happen...when I'm gone?"Reincarnation AU set in post war London C 1923 for Eruri Week 2017 Day 1





	To the End

“What will happen … when I’m gone?”

It was a breath more than a whisper, but he heard it and it made his chest tight. It made his throat tight and he forced the air out.

“I don’t know.”

The light had dimmed and they hadn’t moved. The sun was now set outside beyond the walls and the candle spluttered low against molten wax.

Erwin rummaged through the mess of papers in his drawers for a fresh one. He lit the wick, pressed the melted nub into the candle stick with the butt of the new and sat back. 

“I wish you would just-”

“We’ve argued enough, Levi.” Erwin rubbed his eyes. “Please.”

He sounded so defeated, so beat down and it twisted Levi up inside. He hung his head, hands dangling between his knees.

“Right, you’re right.”

The silence grew around them, uncomfortable and unwelcome. 

“Would you wait for me?” 

Erwin raised his head, still protectively sequestered behind his desk. He looked to his captain with furrowed brows.

“I know you’re not the superstitious type.” He began. “I never saw the use in praying or anything either. I mean, if there is a hell it can’t be much worse than this.”

He cocked his head over his shoulder for a moment to see he had Erwin’s attention and dropped his gaze back to the spot on the floor between his boots.

“But if there’s something else- not just rot and darkness. Would you wait for me?”

Erwin suddenly realized it wasn’t a hypothetical question but a plea.

His mouth felt dry and he fought past the gravel in his throat, “I’ll be there, waiting for you.” 

***

Years after the war, Levi still woke up from dreams of red. Sometimes he saw faces. Some he’d known, seen them died, others seemed like ghosts. They appeared over and over in the dreams though he’d never known them in his waking life, but always red. Blood or the blasting light of explosion, he wasn’t always sure but the ringing in his ears was always the same. It followed him when he woke, buzzing as he lurched in his bed and wiped at the cold sweat on his brow and waited for his heart to stop running like a damned rabbit.

He leaned over and fumbled for the lamp cord as he reached into the drawer by his bed for the packet of cigarettes. He sat on the edge of his mattress in the dim light and struck a match, took a long drag and let the smoke fill his lungs. It calmed his nerves. 

The ringing slowly dissipated.

He looked at the clock. Quarter to five. 

_Shit!_

Another precious hour of sleep stollen away.

He finished his cigarette and dragged his feet to the door. He hated the communal bath in his building but he might as well wash before anyone else woke up. If he was lucky, he might get out before the baby in number 5 started bawling for the day.

In the tiny room at the end of the hall he splashed his face with cold water from the tap and scrubbed under his arms and fingernails before shaving. He combed his hair slung his towel over his shoulder, examined the dark circles under his eyes.

Things could be worse. He had a roof over his head. He had a job. It wasn’t much but he was still alive, even if he didn’t feel it most days.

He dressed in his room quickly and took his hat from the hook on the door before shutting off the light and quietly setting down the stairs. 

The street outside was grey, the air humid with morning fog but the lamps still glowed and other early risers shuffled down the pavement; the milkman and his cart, a laundry woman, other men off to work. He breathed deeply and turned down the road. He could take his time and stroll to work rather than shove himself into a cramped bus. 

***

Erwin sat up in his boarding room staring through the open window at the dozens of chimney stacks that peeked from the rooftops stretching farther than he could see. 

Mrs. McGilvery didn’t like the windows being left open overnight, she was old-fashioned and superstitious in her ways and the influenza outbreak of ‘18 had only cemented that facet of her character. But sleep had evaded him once more and he felt claustrophobic and choked in his solitary room.

He should have dressed hours ago and gone for a walk but he felt paranoid he might wake the old woman and draw her ire in some other way. She would accuse him of being a ne'er-do-well for sneaking about after dark. Or perhaps her neurosis was finally rubbing off on him.

He shook his head at his foolishness and absentmindedly rubbed at the scar on his arm. The tissue there was in equal turn flaming and numb and it frustrated him. Sometimes he wanted to peel the skin back again and dig his fingers into the ruined muscle and pick at the shrapnel that jabbed at his tendons and bone. 

Surgeons had done what they could in the field in France. They’d saved his bloody life and the arm but it kept him up at night with gnawing pain.

The bell at St. Augustine’s began to chime. 

_1...2...3...4...5_

5 o’ clock.

Erwin pushed himself off the windowsill and lowered the sash. The hour seemed reasonable enough for him to take his leave of the house and he couldn’t stand the closeness of the walls another moment. He buttoned his shirt and fixed his sleeves and took his and and coat from the stand in the hall on his way out. 

The early morning fog outside felt cool on his face and he closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath and stepped out onto the pavement. 

A sudden noise across the road caught his attention. A woman had dropped a bag of fresh laundry and shouted in irritation. Erwin turned towards the commotion, eyes snapping open just in time to see a short figure pass him. The man looked back over his shoulder as he passes the stoop and Erwin caught a glimpse of his pale eyes, the dark furrowed brow.

A spark of recognition struck him hard and then his world went blank as if the fog had suddenly thickened around him and swallowed him whole. He could hear hooves trampling the ground, explosions and men shouting. They cried out all around him, moaning and wailing. Dying. His ears rang, his ribs were on fire. 

_Shellshock._

He hadn’t had an episode so terrifying since he’s left the veterans hospital months ago, but the hallucination was different. It was all wrong. His arm ached but it was his left side that felt as if it had been ripped open. The words he heard didn’t sound like English or French or German. It was gibberish and it was coming from his own mouth. 

He tried to open his eyes and realized they already were but he saw towering walls rather than trenches when he should be seeing the street and the red brick buildings of his neighborhood. 

A voice called to him through the fog. He recognized it, fuzzy and muffled at first.

_“-win -rwin!”_

Everything suddenly dissolved, the battlefield and walls melted around him. He caught a last glimmer of the clear blue sky overhead before he blinked.

_“Erwin!”_

His eyes blew wide.

_Levi!_

He’d seen Levi. The man that passed him on the street was Levi!

It took a second for his eyes to focus on the face hovering inches from his own but when he did it was as if he’d seen it everyday of his life. How could he have forgotten it?

Two worlds tugged at him, pulled his brain in different directions but Levi was here! He would stay here. He grabbed his shoulders desperately, as much to steady himself and ground him to the spot as to keep the man from vanishing as quickly as he had appeared.

“You’re alive!” His voice was so hoarse he wasn’t sure it was even audible and he kept saying the words over and over as he reached a hand towards Levi’s face.

“You’re alive, you’re alive! Thank christ, you’re alive!”

He cupped Levi’s flushed cheek in his palm, ran his thumb along a pinched brow.

“Thank Jesus you’re alive.” He whispered.

Levi was panting in shallow breaths but he huffed out a chuckled at Erwin’s words. His mouth quirked up in a half-smile. 

“ S’got nothin’ to do with him, mate.” He drawled and the accent was different, the words were foreign but it was Levi’s voice and his face cracked with a manic grin. 

Levi smiled as much as his sallow face allowed for and it made Erwin’s cheeks hurt, his mouth couldn’t spread any wider.

Someone was walking towards them to see what the matter was. Erwin jerked his head and looked round, remembering where exactly they were, and realized they had begun to attract the attention of every passerby on the quiet street. He snatched his hand away from Levi’s face and muttered an apology.

Levi’s face fell back into a natural scowl that tugged at his core, painful in its familiarity. They got back to their feet and Levi gestured with his chin for Erwin to follow. They walked a couple of blocks quietly, a respectable distance apart, before Levi ducked down an alleyway. 

Erwin rounded the corner and Levi grabbed his arm, yanked him behind a pile of crates and pressed him against the wall. He wasted no time on pleasantries, grabbing at the front of Erwin’s shirt in one hand as he raked fingers through his hair with the other. He pulled Erwin down to meet his lips, hard, and their mouths pressed together with crushing force. There was no softness, only desperation. Levi tugged his hair in a tight fist and Erwin let a moan escape his lips and they broke apart, panting, staring at each other with wild eyes.

He pressed a hand into the small of Levi’s back and pulled him close, bringing the other hand up to his face. He cradled his cheek once more and dipped his head low to kiss softly, suddenly self-conscious and Levi opened his mouth to him. He slid his tongue along Erwin’s plump lips and he took the invitation, running his tongue across Levi’s.

They lost themselves, pressed together, hands grasping and tugging at whatever they could reach, fists crumpling in cloth and their mouths moved together on instinct.

When they finally broke apart a second time, Levi held Erwin back to look up into his face. 

Those eyes, so unnaturally blue. He’d seen the sky and the ocean in two worlds now, in more countries than he could count on one hand and that blue surpassed anything in any life he’d ever lived.

“Thought you said ye’d wait for me.” His voice betrayed the lump in his throat.

Erwin’s lips turned up at the corners as he looked down on that perpetual frown. “Well, I wasn’t stood on the pavement for nothing, now was I?”

“Good to see you’ve got the same shit sense of humour.” He muttered.

“And you, as well.” Erwin countered playfully, smoothing his rumpled hair back into a somewhat presentable condition.

Levi’s face suddenly twisted and he pulled Erwin down to meet him, kissed him hard and pressed their foreheads together, help him there with his breath coming hard, almost sobbing.

“You weren’t supposed to die first, you fucking idiot!” He hissed, “I should’ve saved you, I shouldn’t’ve let you go!”

Erwin pulled his captain to him, _his_ captain, and tucked his head under his chin, held him tight to him and shushed him quietly with whispers.

“It’s alright Levi, it’s alright. I made my choice. It’s not your fault, you did everything right. I’m sorry I left you.”

“You bastard,” Levi pounded a fist against his chest. “You shouldn’t be apologizing to me, you don’t even know!” His voice came through thick, heaved between gasps and muffled by Erwin’s woollen coat.

Erwin cradled him closer, rubbed his thumb in circles at the base of his neck. “It doesn’t matter, none of it matters now.”

They stayed there, holding onto each other as the bustle on the street slowly grew to a constant flow of busses and people passing the alley.

“You live nearby?” Levi asked, voice low and husky.

“I have a landlady.” He said in apology.

“My place, then.” Levi stepped back, “Don’t get your hopes up, it’s a shithole.”

“I don’t care,” Erwin reached for his arm, gave him a reassuring squeeze and pushed away from the wall. “So long as it’s got you in it.”

Levi clicked his teeth, shaking his head “Sentimental old sod.”

Erwin grinned to himself and followed Levi out into the street.

***

Erwin lay on his back on Levi’s tiny bed, trying to catch his breath. The fog outside had cleared and he watched a wisp of cloud floating over the dark rooftops through the narrow window across the room.

Levi pressed himself into Erwin’s side so as not to hang over the mattress, taking long drags from his cigarette. Erwin took it from his hand with some opposition and brought it to his lips as Levi glared at him with feigned irritation. He blew out a ring and let it float away.

“I thought you hated smoking” He cocked an eyebrow and passed the cigarette back to his scowling companion.

“I did.” He affirmed, “Just harder to avoid than before, I s’pose. Not much to look forward to in the trench, have to get a bit of pleasure from somewhere.” He mused, examining the slow-smouldering paper.

Erwin rolled over onto his side and propped himself up on his good arm. “So, there wasn’t anyone you…” He let the question hang in the air unfinished, watching for Levi’s reaction, for any subtle tells.

Levi crinkled his nose and leaned over to flick ash into a plate on the bedside table. “No’ne worth writing home about- or to for that matter.” He answered with a shrug. “How about you?” He lifted a brow at Erwin over his shoulder before leaning back against the headboard.

Erwin looked down at the threadbare sheet for a moment. “There was a girl, before I was sent abroad.” His mouth flattened into a thin line. “But it didn’t last long after I shipped out.” He finished matter-of-factly.

“She married?” Levi asked, voice devoid of emotion and Erwin looked up to read his face but his frown didn’t seem any more sour that what he could remember as normal for him. But he crossed his arms over his bare chest and took another long drag of his cigarette.

“Yeah.” He nodded, eyes locked with Levi’s. “To an intelligence officer. They live somewhere up near Norwich with their boy, I think.” He didn’t take his eyes off Levi. He was being tested and he felt he was losing Levi’s game.

“Sounds familiar.” He deadpanned, turning to stub his fag out. “It’s a shame. You could have had everything you ever wanted if it wasn’t for some nobleman’s war that didn’t have a bloody thing to do with you.” His voice was barely controlled, full of venom.

Erwin reached out and grabbed his hip. “Captain.”

“I’m not a damn captain now.”

_“Levi!”_ He gripped his hip like a vice and forced the man to look at him. In that instant they could have been anywhere in their previous lives a thousand times over and it pained him. They were the same men no matter where they were. The circumstances changed but the outcome was the same and it felt like a knife in his gut.

“If I’d wanted that I’d go after it Levi, but I don’t and I never did.” He spoke in earnest.

Levi shook him off and slung his legs over the mattress edge to retrieve his shorts from the floor.

“There’s no fucking use anyway.” He snapped, “Things are worse that way here than they ever were back then. We’ve survived a war over fuck all just to come back to people too self involved to let a man live without stuffing their noses up his ass to find out his business.”

“It doesn’t matter, Levi. We’ll find a way.” Erwin pleaded.

Levi reached for his trousers, folded neatly on a chair and Erwin leapt up to stop him. He wrapped his arms around Levi’s chest and held him tight, pressing his face into his neck.

“Please, Levi, please.” He breathed against his shoulder, “I’ve only just gotten you back.” 

Levi’s body shook in his arms. He was still so strong and sturdy but more vulnerable than he had ever known him before.

“Fuck, Erwin!” He sobbed, “ _I_ killed you!” 

Erwin froze.

Levi’s chest heaved with each breath, “I could have saved you and I let you die!” He was losing control. Tears streamed down his face and Erwin felt them land on his arm but he only held him tighter, face pressed into the crook of his neck. “I should have given you that fucking serum but I let you go and I thought I’d be gone soon but I kept on living and every day was hell!” 

Erwin turned him around carefully and lifted his face to meet him

“I’m sorry, Levi. I’m so sorry.” He brushed his dark hair away from his eyes, heart thudding and breaking in his chest.

“Stop fucking apologizing! I’m the one who should be sorry!” Levi grabbed his hands to pull away but Erwin locked his hands behind his neck and kept him in place.

“I’m sorry that I put that responsibility on your shoulders, you shouldn’t have had to make that choice. And I’m sorry that I left you alone with it.”

Levi gripped his wrists painfully and gritted his teeth but Erwin spoke again before he could continue with his psychological self flagellation. 

“It’s not your fault, Levi. I forced that choice on you but we have another chance.” He let go of him, warily and smoothed his knitted brow with shaky fingers. “Please let me try to make it up to you.”

Levi thumped a closed fist against Erwin’s chest and crumpled against him; heaved wet, open mouthed sobs that wracked his body and Erwin let him let go of a lifetime of sorrow once forgotten and freshly remembered. He enveloped him in his arms and let Levi let it go, let it hit him like waves and held him up so he wouldn’t drown. 

 

Hours later they lay close together on Levi’s bed, half-dressed as Erwin ran his fingers through Levi’s hair.

“You used to wear your hair like this before.” He mused, pulling lightly at the strands “It suits you.”

Levi huffed and looked up at his golden grown, mussed from tumbling and lying about all day.

“Yours has got longer in the back, I like it better.” He watched the smile spread across Erwin’s face and tried to hid his own in the crook of his arm.

The room fell silent with only the rumble of an occasional bus and cart rolling by on the street outside rising up through the open window and the muffled fussing of the baby upstairs disturbing their peace.

After a time, Erwin took Levi’s hand in his own, pulling him from a half-sleep.

“What happens now?” 

Levi’s brows pinched for a second before his looked the other man in the eye as if it were the simplest thing in the world. 

“We stick together.” He said it plainly and Erwin nodded in agreement, running his thumb along Levi’s knuckles.

“Till the end.”


End file.
